Why is it so hard for us to accept God's love? Why do we erect towers of guilt, self-doubt, and fear between us and our God rather than letting Him take all of that away? Why do we think that anything in our hearts or actions is going to shock God so much that He'll walk away from us, leaving us without hope and without love?
God knew each and everyone of us before we were even conceived. He knew when and how we would sin. He knew that there would be times in some of our lives where we would walk away, only to return like the prodigal son into His open arms. He knows who we are today and who we will be 10 years from now. So why do we still try to hide from Him?
I have recommitted myself to my King and then walked away several times because the commitments were superficial; I gave God a couple hours on a Sunday, said prayers before bed, but I could not give God the one thing that He so longed for me to let Him take away - my guilt. I never fully trusted God with the darkness inside me, and because of that I never really accepted his forgiveness.
Until now.
A year ago, God pulled me back into His arms when I was way too tired (and pregnant, for that matter) to fight His love. If you've ever seen a movie where the alien bursts out of the human host, that's what it felt like. I was torn open that morning, my heart and soul exposed with nothing between me and my God but adoration. I wept out tears of fear, doubt, anxiety, guilt, evil thoughts; you name it, and it gushed out of me. I crawled into the Father's lap and let Him rock me until the tears ceased.
And now I live to help the people God puts in my path break free from their own self-suppression.I see so many hiding from God in His own garden. If you are one of these people, won't you pray with me now?
Father, I have sinned in thought, word, or deed. I have made more mistakes than I care to acknowledge. Worse yet, Lord, I have been afraid to come to you and ask for forgiveness. Now here I am. Heavenly Father, I know that You sacrificed your only Son so that my sins could be washed away. And while I am not worthy of your amazing love and grace, I come now to lay all of me - darkness and light, sin, guilt, joy and pain - at the feet of my Holy Redeemer. There is nothing I will keep from your healing touch. Lord, I receive your forgiveness and I forgive myself. I will endeavor each day to keep from sin and do what is pleasing in your sight. Should I falter, I will not hide from you, but instead seek your guidance and move forward on the path you set out for me. Beloved, I thank you for loving me even when I seem unlovable. I praise and worship my Matchless King through eternity. Forever and ever. Amen.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
We must endure...
"We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."
-Col 1:11-12
Nobody ever told me that being a Christian meant wearing a target on my back. In fact, I always thought that NOT being a Christian would cause people to speak out against me or judge me unfairly. But the truth is, that the more I reveal to those around me about my faith and my desire to follow Christ, the more I find people either shying away from the subject in an attempt to avoid the "G-word," or I find them instantly on the defensive as if I'm going to condemn them to an eternity of fire. Wow. Seriously people? Jesus is not the swine flu. YOU have to choose to "catch" Him. YOU have accept your own salvation. And I will never attempt to force anyone to believe in Him. I am happy to encourage seekers, I will answer any questions to the best of my ability, but I will not jump on your back, put you in a choke hold and make you say "savior." I cannot tell you how sad it is to me that, when I wear my "Christian" apparel, people approach me with such caution, looking around like Satan's gonna pop out of nowhere, and whisper - yes, whisper, "so do you go to church around here?" What HAS this world come to? And how can we change it back?
So why the Colossian's reference, you might ask? Well, those two verses are about Christian endurance. I preface endurance with the term Christian because, unlike those who suffer through each trial - those who grit their teeth, lower their heads and push through this life - we, as children of God, should be striding purposefully with joy, thankful that each trial offers us the opportunity to say "thank you, Abba, for letting me show you how much I love you." In a world that flinches at the sound of God's name, we must remain steady in our faith and love and continue to pursue the seekers and the yearners for His Kingdom.
Abba, Father, I pray that, as society asks me to stifle my prayers and my worship, You give me the strength and grace to continue to shine your light in this world. I pray that You help me to keep Christianity out of the closet and in the world so that You can use us fully. Let me bring one more sheep into the fold, Lord, and let me remain joyful and dedicated to your holy purpose until I succeed. Lord, let me endure 'til I find one more. And then let me do it again. I ask all this in the name of He who reigns, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
-Col 1:11-12
Nobody ever told me that being a Christian meant wearing a target on my back. In fact, I always thought that NOT being a Christian would cause people to speak out against me or judge me unfairly. But the truth is, that the more I reveal to those around me about my faith and my desire to follow Christ, the more I find people either shying away from the subject in an attempt to avoid the "G-word," or I find them instantly on the defensive as if I'm going to condemn them to an eternity of fire. Wow. Seriously people? Jesus is not the swine flu. YOU have to choose to "catch" Him. YOU have accept your own salvation. And I will never attempt to force anyone to believe in Him. I am happy to encourage seekers, I will answer any questions to the best of my ability, but I will not jump on your back, put you in a choke hold and make you say "savior." I cannot tell you how sad it is to me that, when I wear my "Christian" apparel, people approach me with such caution, looking around like Satan's gonna pop out of nowhere, and whisper - yes, whisper, "so do you go to church around here?" What HAS this world come to? And how can we change it back?
So why the Colossian's reference, you might ask? Well, those two verses are about Christian endurance. I preface endurance with the term Christian because, unlike those who suffer through each trial - those who grit their teeth, lower their heads and push through this life - we, as children of God, should be striding purposefully with joy, thankful that each trial offers us the opportunity to say "thank you, Abba, for letting me show you how much I love you." In a world that flinches at the sound of God's name, we must remain steady in our faith and love and continue to pursue the seekers and the yearners for His Kingdom.
Abba, Father, I pray that, as society asks me to stifle my prayers and my worship, You give me the strength and grace to continue to shine your light in this world. I pray that You help me to keep Christianity out of the closet and in the world so that You can use us fully. Let me bring one more sheep into the fold, Lord, and let me remain joyful and dedicated to your holy purpose until I succeed. Lord, let me endure 'til I find one more. And then let me do it again. I ask all this in the name of He who reigns, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Where to start...
For anyone who knows me, especially those who knew me as a wild child back in the day, the me that sits here typing is a far cry from the person we all thought I would turn out to be. My heart actually hurts when I look back and remember the pain my insecurity, infidelity, and dependent independence caused the people around me. I will never get that time back, and most of those relationships were destroyed beyond recognition. There are a few that persevered - my Mom being the strongest champion for healing and forgiveness, my best friend Amy who has helped me grow by growing with me, and my husband who I still don't think I deserve but will never choose to lose - and it is these people who encourage and inspire me to move forward and leave the past behind me. It took a lot of work to forgive myself, and even more to realize that I have a God who has forgiven me a thousand times since. And now that I am at a reasonably stable point in my transition from spiritual adolescence ("it's all about me") to spiritual maturity ("it's all about Him")it is time that I give something back to the world. It is time for me to share the words God places on my heart, and the Word that he left for us to learn from. I'm not sure how often I will write, and I can't promise that it will always be interesting to everyone, but I CAN promise that I will be here to share His blessings with anyone who cares to read.
My sincerest hope is that someone who knew me as a teen will read this and realize that, if my rough and somewhat nauseating past can be wiped clean by The One who loves me, there is hope. And when His forgiveness is accepted wholly into your heart, there is change. I'm not a hypocrite. I didn't apologize to God, receive a clean soul, and then go right back to sinning intentionally. Nor do I claim that the temptations and desires instantly disappeared. I changed my lifestyle, behavior and social interactions through deliberate and sometimes painful effort because I want to live a life that is pleasing to my Father's eyes. I want to make him smile like a proud papa in Heaven. And because that is my heart's desire, I have been challenged and tempted all the more by a jealous and angry devil. But God will not allow me to be tempted more than I can bear. So I fight daily to live, be, and do right. And sometimes, I am not completely successful. I fall off the wagon. But I have a best friend, a husband, and a church family that pick me up, dust me off, and plop me right back onto the wagon...sometimes they even buckle me in for good measure!
I have so much more to say. God blessed me with a gift of words. But for so many years, I have sat silent. I have let all of the little things in my life overwhelm me and keep me from pursuing that which I love to do. I haven't made the time to type or write and because of that, the voice that God gave me has lain silent. Well, the time has come for me to scream. MY GOD REIGNS! He loves, and He saves, he gives, He takes away, And when it all comes crashing down around us, He is the one who will pull us up from the ashes and deliver us through grace. He is the one to whom I surrender all.
Heavenly Father, if you are reading this right now, know that I am yours. Because I am captive in your love, I am truly free. I offer you my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength. I wish only to serve you, Lord and to show others the amazing love that comes from your hands. I am so thankful for your forgiveness. I am so in awe of your infinite mercy. Thank you Father for sending your only Son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that through him my sins could be wiped away. And thank you Jesus for leaving the Holy Spirit down here to live in each of your children. The Spirit allows us to love, forgive, honor and live. Thank you, my beautiful Triune God for making me whole again. Amen.
My sincerest hope is that someone who knew me as a teen will read this and realize that, if my rough and somewhat nauseating past can be wiped clean by The One who loves me, there is hope. And when His forgiveness is accepted wholly into your heart, there is change. I'm not a hypocrite. I didn't apologize to God, receive a clean soul, and then go right back to sinning intentionally. Nor do I claim that the temptations and desires instantly disappeared. I changed my lifestyle, behavior and social interactions through deliberate and sometimes painful effort because I want to live a life that is pleasing to my Father's eyes. I want to make him smile like a proud papa in Heaven. And because that is my heart's desire, I have been challenged and tempted all the more by a jealous and angry devil. But God will not allow me to be tempted more than I can bear. So I fight daily to live, be, and do right. And sometimes, I am not completely successful. I fall off the wagon. But I have a best friend, a husband, and a church family that pick me up, dust me off, and plop me right back onto the wagon...sometimes they even buckle me in for good measure!
I have so much more to say. God blessed me with a gift of words. But for so many years, I have sat silent. I have let all of the little things in my life overwhelm me and keep me from pursuing that which I love to do. I haven't made the time to type or write and because of that, the voice that God gave me has lain silent. Well, the time has come for me to scream. MY GOD REIGNS! He loves, and He saves, he gives, He takes away, And when it all comes crashing down around us, He is the one who will pull us up from the ashes and deliver us through grace. He is the one to whom I surrender all.
Heavenly Father, if you are reading this right now, know that I am yours. Because I am captive in your love, I am truly free. I offer you my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength. I wish only to serve you, Lord and to show others the amazing love that comes from your hands. I am so thankful for your forgiveness. I am so in awe of your infinite mercy. Thank you Father for sending your only Son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that through him my sins could be wiped away. And thank you Jesus for leaving the Holy Spirit down here to live in each of your children. The Spirit allows us to love, forgive, honor and live. Thank you, my beautiful Triune God for making me whole again. Amen.
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