Taking His Hand

Image by costales via Flickr

"I look to you, heaven-dwelling God, look up to you for help." Psalm 123:1

Are you seeking? Do you find yourself chasing every new theory of life and death in some sort of attempt to figure it all out? Are you lost? Do you still want to be found?

At various times in my life, these questions would have been answered with a sad and shaky "yes." I don't have a pretty testimony, but I'm not sure I would be as believable if I did. You see, I spent years, an intermittent DECADE even,searching for my Savior in moments of passion confused with love and eventually drugs that just blurred the moments together. And I can't even use addiction as an excuse. I could have stopped, but I CHOSE not to. Every time my heart reached heavenward, my flesh beat it down in sweat and poor choices. I was lost. A wretch. And no matter how many times I wanted to rise above the darkness I allowed the fear to keep me chained to my agony. Because who could love someone like me? A slut, a user, a lost girl?

And then in May of 2005 I found out exactly who loved me, and how much. You see, rather than abandoning me to a life that promised little save STDs and anguish, God stepped in with the one event that He knew would stop me in my tracks. After years of being told I could never have children I found out that I was pregnant. And my entire world skidded to a halt, flipped sideways, and dumped all of my self-absorbed garbage into the abyss. In that moment, I knew a love so profound that I could only walk around in a daze in awe of it. My God had saved me and blessed me all at the same time.

For the record, that was only the beginning of my transition from sinner to saved. Honestly, I'm still going through the steps towards spiritual maturity. And yes, I still sin, still have to ask for forgiveness, and I am still struggling with the demons of the past. But instead of going it alone, I am now empowered and enabled by the love of a God that never fails. And anyone who has known me for more than a year or so can see how far I've already come. All it took was a step in His direction and he quickly swept me into His arms and overwhelmed me with His matchless love.

The point that I feel like I need to get across is that, through all of my struggling, suffering and vain attempts to go it alone, God was standing there with His strong hand out just waiting for me to grab it so He could help pull me back up. He was a GPS trying to tell me the right way to turn only I had Him on mute because I was too busy getting lost to listen to directions. And He is here for you if you too are seeking, lost, scared, ashamed or confused. All you have to do is accept His helping hand - jump into the light and trust Him to catch you.

With so much to think about, let us pray:
Father, the mistakes I've made in my life are eating a hole inside of me. I am hurting for the things I have said and done and seeking to make sense of it all. It is this most vulnerable moment that I come to You. I lay my sin and sadness at your feet and gladly reach out to accept the helping hand you've been offering for so long. I put aside my past, and I leap into you arms and your purpose for my life wholeheartedly. I'm not looking back, only forward through eyes you have unblinded. Father I accept your forgiveness of my sins knowing that my slate is now wiped clean by the blood of your only son Jesus. From this day forward, from this very moment, I am Yours. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer lost. And I will never again be empty. For all that, I thank You Lord, in the name of the Father who loves me, the Son who died that I should live, and the Holy Spirit that lives inside me always. Amen.

Be Angry, but SIN NOT...

Before I begin, I want to ask the reader two questions. Please think about your answers as you read my post, and we will come back to them in the end:

a. Do you believe that God loves His children?
b. Do you believe God is omnipotent (all powerful)?

I am angry. My home and my family - my Army family - have been violated. Hate has been stirred, and now every person of Arabic heritage, even those who have risked the lives of their families overseas to come and support our missions, is under scrutiny again. Hate begets ignorant violence which causes more hate, more violence...and I am angry that the actions of a man who dishonored his people and his own faith have caused all of this. I am angry that lives were taken for absolutely no reason.

Like I said, I am angry. And God understands that anger. Even Jesus showed anger at the mistreatment of innocents or at sin acted out in God's name. (See Matthew 21:12) But we must control that anger for God made it quite clear that anger is no excuse for hate. In Ephesians 4:26, we are told: "Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge." (MSG) In the ASV the words are "Be ye angry, but sin not." And I hate to tell ya folks, but murdering someone in your mind is as much a sin as doing it in real life. So if you are using righteous anger to justify hateful thinking, hateful words, or hateful actions, you are wrong with the Lord. In the words of an 80s rap artist, "check yourself, before you wreck yourself."

So now we come back to those two questions.
a. Do you believe that God loves His children?
Well, if you are a believer then one would hope you answered yes. God made us in his image, has granted us blessings even when we completely ignored them or complained that they weren't the blessing WE wanted, and he has given us every opportunity to run back into his open loving arms. We are his precious ones - whether we believe or not - and he wants nothing more than to have each of us join him in the Kingdom.
God is the perfect Father. So when one of his babies is attacked or violated, he does not just stand idly by. God gets angry. No one messes with His children and goes unpunished!
and
b. Do you believe that God is omnipotent (all-powerful)?
Again, the answer is an unequivocal YES Our God is the Alpha and Omega, Creator of Heaven and Earth and all things in both. He has caused a flood that wiped out entire continents of sin, destroyed entire cities that desecrated His holy name, and he has given new life to those of us who were dead in sin. Our God reigns! So why do we think that we are better judges, jurors, and punishers than God ALMIGHTY? Vengeance is the Lord's and trust me he is MORE than capable of meting out justice appropriate to those who offend his people. Does the shepherd not kill a coyote who attacks his flock? How silly would it be for one of the other sheep to take it upon himself to "handle" the intruder himself? How much more foolish are we, as logical and reasonable creatures to attempt that which God has claimed as His own responsibility? Trust in your Lord God and know that He will deal with those who have harmed us. TRUST Him.

It has taken me three days to write this, so please don't think you have to understand or accept this right away. Let it work in your heart. Use your bible, or YouVersion.com which has all of the translations and a search function, and seek His guidance before taking any action. And please remember that the perpetrator of this and many other heinous crimes is only the weak one that the Devil used as a tool for his will. He is not a representative of all people of Arabic descent, nor even a representative of Islam (only the fundamentalists and extremists ignore that the Qur'an does not condone or allow the murder of innocents). Please do not judge others based on stereotypes when you would not appreciate being compared to a McVeigh or NeoNazi because of your religion or haircut.

I have exhausted my rhetoric, so let us pray:
Father, many of us are still reeling from the horrific events that took place on Thursday. We are so angry that your children were so brutally violated. And many of us are distraught because there is no reason for that to have happened. Lord we pray that you allow us to grieve, each in our own way, but that you bind our hearts from seeking personal vengeance or perpetuating the hate-violence cycle. We trust You to love us enough to be furious that your flock fell under attack, and to know exactly what punishment is appropriate in situations like this. We know that you will bring some good from events so tragic.
Lord, we also ask for healing. Not just for the physical victims -although many need your aid in recovery and the fight against emotional/mental damage - but also for the secondary victims, those who have truly been devastated over such a violent shock to a place we have considered safe. We pray that their hearts can open up to your healing love. You are such a merciful God.
Father, we thank you for whatever good you will bring from all of this. Let each of us who prays to you now be used as an instrument of healing and love. Let us reach out and hold on to those who are floating in confusion or despair. Use us, Father, so that your will can be done.
Abba, we love you. We pray all this in the name of your beautiful sacrifice and our ever-loving savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Over-enthusiasm...

There comes this point in your faith journey where you feel as if you've crossed over; suddenly you realize that your faith is strong, you love God, and you want everyone to be as committed and perfect in faith as you somehow have convinced yourself that you are. STOP! YOU ARE NOT PERFECT! and YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO LOVE GOD AS MUCH AS OR IN THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DO! Sorry for the caps people but this is a major point, and one that I had completely missed recently as I struggled with a friend's response to their prayers being answered. I found myself consumed with anger that they didn't show appreciation or adoration in the way that surely I would have. And that frustration actually threatened to put a wedge between us - what a hypocrite I would have been! I was so over-enthusiastic in my desire to change her life and her relationship with God that I completely forgot about the long, painful journey I myself had to make just to get where I am now. And I'm still journeying! So I prayed for forgiveness and decided to write this as a sort of apology to her even though I'm not so sure she even knew why I was upset.

I'm sorry.

It is so easy to cross from counselor to tyrant. It only take a few words to go from advising to controlling. As Christians, we need to make sure that we are encouraging those who seek, and not condescending. I can't look down my nose at someone who is trying to be a better person when I myself came to Jesus with an incredible burden of guilt and remorse. Brothers and sisters, there are very few who were saved by someone screaming hellfire and damnation at them while professing perfection in themselves. Yet millions have been brought to (or back to, for that matter) Christ through positive intervention and edification based in the same love that Jesus showed those who doubted and denied Him. If you are seeking to enrich the Kingdom, and you crave souls for your King, then make sure your words are a reflection of God's love and truth. Do not condemn, for condemnation and conviction are God's territory. Provide true counsel, but do so with sensitivity and compassion. Above all, do not attempt to win a non-believer by slapping them in the back of the head with the Holy Word and holding their head under holy water until they are forced to breathe it in. God does not desire coerced hearts, rather he desires those heart freely given. Soft words, positive encouragement, and love - let these be your mantra as you go about spreading the Good News!

It is truly humbling to know that I still stumble along this journey. Humbling, but inspiring because each time God gently (sometimes NOT so gently)picks me up, dusts me off, and reminds me that He is King and I am one of his beloved little ones.

Let us pray:
Father, sometimes we get so excited about your promises and your word that we try to beat our loved ones over the head with it. This is not what you want from us. You ask us to spread your unfailing love as counselors, not coercers. You want our actions and words to cause others to say "I want what she has!" To do this, we must remain humble and compassionate, ever aware of our human imperfections and ever-willing to forgive the same in others. Father, help us to focus our enthusiasm in a joyful way. Help us share the news of your only son's sacrifice to the ends of the earth; not looking down at seekers, but instead lifting them up to you. Please Lord, grant us the wisdom to do all this in the name of our savior, Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ. Amen.

To forgive is...well...

Why is it so hard for us to accept God's love? Why do we erect towers of guilt, self-doubt, and fear between us and our God rather than letting Him take all of that away? Why do we think that anything in our hearts or actions is going to shock God so much that He'll walk away from us, leaving us without hope and without love?

God knew each and everyone of us before we were even conceived. He knew when and how we would sin. He knew that there would be times in some of our lives where we would walk away, only to return like the prodigal son into His open arms. He knows who we are today and who we will be 10 years from now. So why do we still try to hide from Him?

I have recommitted myself to my King and then walked away several times because the commitments were superficial; I gave God a couple hours on a Sunday, said prayers before bed, but I could not give God the one thing that He so longed for me to let Him take away - my guilt. I never fully trusted God with the darkness inside me, and because of that I never really accepted his forgiveness.

Until now.

A year ago, God pulled me back into His arms when I was way too tired (and pregnant, for that matter) to fight His love. If you've ever seen a movie where the alien bursts out of the human host, that's what it felt like. I was torn open that morning, my heart and soul exposed with nothing between me and my God but adoration. I wept out tears of fear, doubt, anxiety, guilt, evil thoughts; you name it, and it gushed out of me. I crawled into the Father's lap and let Him rock me until the tears ceased.

And now I live to help the people God puts in my path break free from their own self-suppression.I see so many hiding from God in His own garden. If you are one of these people, won't you pray with me now?

Father, I have sinned in thought, word, or deed. I have made more mistakes than I care to acknowledge. Worse yet, Lord, I have been afraid to come to you and ask for forgiveness. Now here I am. Heavenly Father, I know that You sacrificed your only Son so that my sins could be washed away. And while I am not worthy of your amazing love and grace, I come now to lay all of me - darkness and light, sin, guilt, joy and pain - at the feet of my Holy Redeemer. There is nothing I will keep from your healing touch. Lord, I receive your forgiveness and I forgive myself. I will endeavor each day to keep from sin and do what is pleasing in your sight. Should I falter, I will not hide from you, but instead seek your guidance and move forward on the path you set out for me. Beloved, I thank you for loving me even when I seem unlovable. I praise and worship my Matchless King through eternity. Forever and ever. Amen.

We must endure...

"We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."
-Col 1:11-12

Nobody ever told me that being a Christian meant wearing a target on my back. In fact, I always thought that NOT being a Christian would cause people to speak out against me or judge me unfairly. But the truth is, that the more I reveal to those around me about my faith and my desire to follow Christ, the more I find people either shying away from the subject in an attempt to avoid the "G-word," or I find them instantly on the defensive as if I'm going to condemn them to an eternity of fire. Wow. Seriously people? Jesus is not the swine flu. YOU have to choose to "catch" Him. YOU have accept your own salvation. And I will never attempt to force anyone to believe in Him. I am happy to encourage seekers, I will answer any questions to the best of my ability, but I will not jump on your back, put you in a choke hold and make you say "savior." I cannot tell you how sad it is to me that, when I wear my "Christian" apparel, people approach me with such caution, looking around like Satan's gonna pop out of nowhere, and whisper - yes, whisper, "so do you go to church around here?" What HAS this world come to? And how can we change it back?

So why the Colossian's reference, you might ask? Well, those two verses are about Christian endurance. I preface endurance with the term Christian because, unlike those who suffer through each trial - those who grit their teeth, lower their heads and push through this life - we, as children of God, should be striding purposefully with joy, thankful that each trial offers us the opportunity to say "thank you, Abba, for letting me show you how much I love you." In a world that flinches at the sound of God's name, we must remain steady in our faith and love and continue to pursue the seekers and the yearners for His Kingdom.

Abba, Father, I pray that, as society asks me to stifle my prayers and my worship, You give me the strength and grace to continue to shine your light in this world. I pray that You help me to keep Christianity out of the closet and in the world so that You can use us fully. Let me bring one more sheep into the fold, Lord, and let me remain joyful and dedicated to your holy purpose until I succeed. Lord, let me endure 'til I find one more. And then let me do it again. I ask all this in the name of He who reigns, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Where to start...

For anyone who knows me, especially those who knew me as a wild child back in the day, the me that sits here typing is a far cry from the person we all thought I would turn out to be. My heart actually hurts when I look back and remember the pain my insecurity, infidelity, and dependent independence caused the people around me. I will never get that time back, and most of those relationships were destroyed beyond recognition. There are a few that persevered - my Mom being the strongest champion for healing and forgiveness, my best friend Amy who has helped me grow by growing with me, and my husband who I still don't think I deserve but will never choose to lose - and it is these people who encourage and inspire me to move forward and leave the past behind me. It took a lot of work to forgive myself, and even more to realize that I have a God who has forgiven me a thousand times since. And now that I am at a reasonably stable point in my transition from spiritual adolescence ("it's all about me") to spiritual maturity ("it's all about Him")it is time that I give something back to the world. It is time for me to share the words God places on my heart, and the Word that he left for us to learn from. I'm not sure how often I will write, and I can't promise that it will always be interesting to everyone, but I CAN promise that I will be here to share His blessings with anyone who cares to read.

My sincerest hope is that someone who knew me as a teen will read this and realize that, if my rough and somewhat nauseating past can be wiped clean by The One who loves me, there is hope. And when His forgiveness is accepted wholly into your heart, there is change. I'm not a hypocrite. I didn't apologize to God, receive a clean soul, and then go right back to sinning intentionally. Nor do I claim that the temptations and desires instantly disappeared. I changed my lifestyle, behavior and social interactions through deliberate and sometimes painful effort because I want to live a life that is pleasing to my Father's eyes. I want to make him smile like a proud papa in Heaven. And because that is my heart's desire, I have been challenged and tempted all the more by a jealous and angry devil. But God will not allow me to be tempted more than I can bear. So I fight daily to live, be, and do right. And sometimes, I am not completely successful. I fall off the wagon. But I have a best friend, a husband, and a church family that pick me up, dust me off, and plop me right back onto the wagon...sometimes they even buckle me in for good measure!

I have so much more to say. God blessed me with a gift of words. But for so many years, I have sat silent. I have let all of the little things in my life overwhelm me and keep me from pursuing that which I love to do. I haven't made the time to type or write and because of that, the voice that God gave me has lain silent. Well, the time has come for me to scream. MY GOD REIGNS! He loves, and He saves, he gives, He takes away, And when it all comes crashing down around us, He is the one who will pull us up from the ashes and deliver us through grace. He is the one to whom I surrender all.

Heavenly Father, if you are reading this right now, know that I am yours. Because I am captive in your love, I am truly free. I offer you my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength. I wish only to serve you, Lord and to show others the amazing love that comes from your hands. I am so thankful for your forgiveness. I am so in awe of your infinite mercy. Thank you Father for sending your only Son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that through him my sins could be wiped away. And thank you Jesus for leaving the Holy Spirit down here to live in each of your children. The Spirit allows us to love, forgive, honor and live. Thank you, my beautiful Triune God for making me whole again. Amen.