To forgive is...well...

Why is it so hard for us to accept God's love? Why do we erect towers of guilt, self-doubt, and fear between us and our God rather than letting Him take all of that away? Why do we think that anything in our hearts or actions is going to shock God so much that He'll walk away from us, leaving us without hope and without love?

God knew each and everyone of us before we were even conceived. He knew when and how we would sin. He knew that there would be times in some of our lives where we would walk away, only to return like the prodigal son into His open arms. He knows who we are today and who we will be 10 years from now. So why do we still try to hide from Him?

I have recommitted myself to my King and then walked away several times because the commitments were superficial; I gave God a couple hours on a Sunday, said prayers before bed, but I could not give God the one thing that He so longed for me to let Him take away - my guilt. I never fully trusted God with the darkness inside me, and because of that I never really accepted his forgiveness.

Until now.

A year ago, God pulled me back into His arms when I was way too tired (and pregnant, for that matter) to fight His love. If you've ever seen a movie where the alien bursts out of the human host, that's what it felt like. I was torn open that morning, my heart and soul exposed with nothing between me and my God but adoration. I wept out tears of fear, doubt, anxiety, guilt, evil thoughts; you name it, and it gushed out of me. I crawled into the Father's lap and let Him rock me until the tears ceased.

And now I live to help the people God puts in my path break free from their own self-suppression.I see so many hiding from God in His own garden. If you are one of these people, won't you pray with me now?

Father, I have sinned in thought, word, or deed. I have made more mistakes than I care to acknowledge. Worse yet, Lord, I have been afraid to come to you and ask for forgiveness. Now here I am. Heavenly Father, I know that You sacrificed your only Son so that my sins could be washed away. And while I am not worthy of your amazing love and grace, I come now to lay all of me - darkness and light, sin, guilt, joy and pain - at the feet of my Holy Redeemer. There is nothing I will keep from your healing touch. Lord, I receive your forgiveness and I forgive myself. I will endeavor each day to keep from sin and do what is pleasing in your sight. Should I falter, I will not hide from you, but instead seek your guidance and move forward on the path you set out for me. Beloved, I thank you for loving me even when I seem unlovable. I praise and worship my Matchless King through eternity. Forever and ever. Amen.