Where to start...

For anyone who knows me, especially those who knew me as a wild child back in the day, the me that sits here typing is a far cry from the person we all thought I would turn out to be. My heart actually hurts when I look back and remember the pain my insecurity, infidelity, and dependent independence caused the people around me. I will never get that time back, and most of those relationships were destroyed beyond recognition. There are a few that persevered - my Mom being the strongest champion for healing and forgiveness, my best friend Amy who has helped me grow by growing with me, and my husband who I still don't think I deserve but will never choose to lose - and it is these people who encourage and inspire me to move forward and leave the past behind me. It took a lot of work to forgive myself, and even more to realize that I have a God who has forgiven me a thousand times since. And now that I am at a reasonably stable point in my transition from spiritual adolescence ("it's all about me") to spiritual maturity ("it's all about Him")it is time that I give something back to the world. It is time for me to share the words God places on my heart, and the Word that he left for us to learn from. I'm not sure how often I will write, and I can't promise that it will always be interesting to everyone, but I CAN promise that I will be here to share His blessings with anyone who cares to read.

My sincerest hope is that someone who knew me as a teen will read this and realize that, if my rough and somewhat nauseating past can be wiped clean by The One who loves me, there is hope. And when His forgiveness is accepted wholly into your heart, there is change. I'm not a hypocrite. I didn't apologize to God, receive a clean soul, and then go right back to sinning intentionally. Nor do I claim that the temptations and desires instantly disappeared. I changed my lifestyle, behavior and social interactions through deliberate and sometimes painful effort because I want to live a life that is pleasing to my Father's eyes. I want to make him smile like a proud papa in Heaven. And because that is my heart's desire, I have been challenged and tempted all the more by a jealous and angry devil. But God will not allow me to be tempted more than I can bear. So I fight daily to live, be, and do right. And sometimes, I am not completely successful. I fall off the wagon. But I have a best friend, a husband, and a church family that pick me up, dust me off, and plop me right back onto the wagon...sometimes they even buckle me in for good measure!

I have so much more to say. God blessed me with a gift of words. But for so many years, I have sat silent. I have let all of the little things in my life overwhelm me and keep me from pursuing that which I love to do. I haven't made the time to type or write and because of that, the voice that God gave me has lain silent. Well, the time has come for me to scream. MY GOD REIGNS! He loves, and He saves, he gives, He takes away, And when it all comes crashing down around us, He is the one who will pull us up from the ashes and deliver us through grace. He is the one to whom I surrender all.

Heavenly Father, if you are reading this right now, know that I am yours. Because I am captive in your love, I am truly free. I offer you my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength. I wish only to serve you, Lord and to show others the amazing love that comes from your hands. I am so thankful for your forgiveness. I am so in awe of your infinite mercy. Thank you Father for sending your only Son, Jesus, to die on a cross so that through him my sins could be wiped away. And thank you Jesus for leaving the Holy Spirit down here to live in each of your children. The Spirit allows us to love, forgive, honor and live. Thank you, my beautiful Triune God for making me whole again. Amen.